Modern Technology is Reshaping Relationships and What We Can Learn to Rebuild Meaningful Connections

Discover the hidden ways modern technology is reshaping relationships and what we can learn to rebuild meaningful connections.

This article is inspired by The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt. While the book primarily focuses on children, it offers valuable lessons for adults as well.

What Defines the Real World of Human Relationships?

To answer this question and establish context, Haidt writes (page 9):

A few notes about terminology. When I talk about the ”Real World,“ I am referring to relationships and social interactions characterized by four features that have been typical for millions of years:

1. They are embodied, meaning we use our bodies to communicate, are conscious of others' bodies, and respond to them both consciously and unconsciously.
2. They are synchronous, happening in real-time, with subtle cues about timing and turn-taking.
3. They primarily involve one-to-one or one-to-several communication, with only one interaction occurring at a given time.
4. They occur within communities that have a high bar for entry and exit, motivating people to invest in relationships and repair rifts when they happen.

How Modern Technology Has Rewired Adult Relationships

I am increasingly concerned about how our technologies have rewired adult relationships.

1. Most of the time, we are not embodied. Instead, we sit behind multiple screens. Yet much of our communication relies on physical presence, such as body language, facial expressions, and other subtle but important cues. While it’s easier to send an email or a text, this convenience sacrifices the face-to-face interactions necessary for deeper communication and stronger relationships.
2. We have lost much of what makes relationships meaningful by relying on asynchronous tools. These tools are marketed as efficiency improvements, but the real cost is effectiveness. Those who value relationships prioritize face-to-face meetings.
3. Consider a group of people, even senior leaders, and you’ll often notice them multitasking. The chime of a text, the ding of a new email, constantly pull their attention away from the Real World, which erodes their ability to maintain strong relationships. Hundreds of unread messages create distractions that could take months to clear, even with constant effort.
4. Maintaining high standards for entry and exit in relationships is essential. Carefully consider whom you allow into your life and be willing to guide out those who fail to invest meaningfully. Addressing rifts proactively, helping others reintegrate, or steering them toward a more suitable community are vital steps to fostering healthy, lasting connections.

Why Leaders Must Reprioritize Relationships

Haidt’s list, in the first part of this post, focuses on children; the second is my riff on Haidt’s ideas as they apply to adults. Like many, I am concerned about the impact of technology. In the future, true leadership will belong to those who prioritize relationships and the results we achieve together.